Broken Heart

Three years ago I was called by my mother in California to inform me that my beloved cousin took passed away.  She took her own life.  Caryn was the older sister I never had.  As cousins we grew up very close.  We spent many hours together as we grew up in the same building in Brooklyn, NY and at our grandparent's lake house in the Catskills.  So when she passed I was particularly devastated. It was like losing a sibling, and I had done that 5 years before that.  This time I was more lucid.  I was not in a post-partum state of mind, I was fully aware of what lie ahead.  I also could not make the trip out west to say goodbye.

It was also particularly hard that at the time of her death that she and I were not talking.  Not that we were fighting but we weren't in touch.  We did that.  She would be busy, I would be busy.  That is a regret I have.  I had been thinking for about a week or two before she died that I wanted to talk to her, catch up, make amends for not being close, knowing her children better, knowing what was going on in her life.  Those are regrets I can never make up.  I have recently friended her oldest child on Facebook and I see her in him so much I want to cry.  I miss her, I miss her spirit and it hurts that she is not here.  The anniversary of her passing just went by and there is an emptiness in me.  I know she is at peace now and I should be grateful for that but the selfish part of me wishes she was here.

So today I think about my cousin Caryn and the times we had together.  I love you and miss you.